Obsolete Things

The past is a hard thing to believe in.

     You know, I once held a Facebook. That was what they called the circulars you were given in some colleges at the start of the year with everybody's name and picture in it. Many an afternoon could be had idly leafing through its pages until you came upon your crush, and lo, there she was, the woman of your dreams. Or was that really someone else?

      I suppose not all that much has changed in the intervening years.

      If you went back in the past, you would have a very different experience of it than remembering it. From the instant you stop living in a moment you sort it. You bundle the moment with others. You inextricably link unrelated events the way you put together the meaning of a box of poorly sorted belongings.

      You believe in your past, the way you believe in anything. It goes through changes. 

      But one thing never changes, and that's your personality. That's the one thing you can use to navigate through your boxes of memories to understand them. Who you are never changes. It doesn't intensify or abate, either. Sometimes your surroundings seem troubled by your tendencies, and sometimes they forgive. Sometimes they love you for them. But you never change. You never learn. You don't undergo a metamorphosis.

      Your past is an expression of your self, and it is the same self you are now. Your past, if you keep good track of it, can tell you what situations to avoid, but don't you dare tell me your experiences changed you. You can't change. You just found a more or less comfortable situation for the person you are and were.

      I always liked the same sort of girl. But I had trouble because the girl was never interested in a real relationship, so I said to myself, there's only one way you can solve this, you've got to find that same sort of girl but she's got to be older. And, you know what? That solved my problem.

     I didn't change, because you don't change.

     The past in which I pursued women that didn't care about me? I'd still pursue them today if I were unattached and they were available.

     I just found a comfortable situation for myself in which I don't have to pursue them, the situation I am currently in.